People-pleasing isn’t inherently negative. Being in a relationship involves taking another’s wants, needs and feelings into account. Kindness comes from a place of concern and affection. A need to please people, however, goes beyond simple kindness. It involves editing or altering our words and behaviours for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions. The urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and our relationships if we continually ignore our own needs and desires. We are then at risk of losing sight of who we are.

If you are wondering if you are potentially a people-pleaser, there are particular traits to be on the lookout for. Firstly, is an insatiable need for praise and appreciation in order to feel good about oneself. We all like to be acknowledged for our efforts, but if you feel devastated when you don’t receive this, then this could be a sign that your self-worth is tethered to how others respond to you. That’s a lot of power to give over to others.

People-pleasers find it very difficult to say “no” to another’s request, for fear it will damage the relationship. People-pleasers often get taken advantage of because they allow others to determine where the boundaries lie. The more you establish personal boundaries, the more people will treat you as a self-respecting individual, and the stronger your self-esteem will become. Lysa Terkeurst wrote Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Stopping the dysfunction of unhealthy relationships means setting well-defined boundaries and, when necessary, saying goodbye, without sacrificing the best of who you are. Terkeurst recommends determining the appropriate amount of personal and emotional access someone has to you, based on how responsible they are with that access.

Are you quick to apologise when something goes wrong? People-pleasing includes a readiness to accept blame even when it’s not your fault. This may be in order to avoid the fallout of conflict or anger. If your goal is to keep others happy, you’ll accept responsibility for any misunderstanding. In doing that, however, you deny others the opportunity to consider their part and make change.

People-pleasers find it difficult to recognise how they really feel. When you continually push down your own needs it makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you become unsure about what you want or how to be true to yourself. Your relationships begin to lack authenticity. When you continually present yourself as the person you think others want you to be, you’re not showing up in the relationship as yourself. It’s difficult to maintain, much less feel satisfied with, relationships where you aren’t actually present.

If you suspect you are a people-pleaser, start by recognising how this behaviour shows up. Practice kindness without the motivation of earning approval. Balance kindness by honouring and tending to your own needs. Learn to set healthy boundaries. Affection isn’t a commodity so don’t try to buy another’s affection. Be your own authentic self and your relationships will benefit.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au